Communication Part 3: Listen so people feel heard

While someone is talking, it's easy to spend the time planning your reply, and people can tell. Listening well comes down to a few simple moves you can practise in any conversation.

What gets in the way

• Planning your reply while the other person is still talking.
• Jumping in with your own story: "Same thing happened to me..."
• Fixing too fast, before you understand the problem.
• Glancing at your phone.

Three moves

1. Ask open questions. Start with what, how or why: "What happened next?" "How did they take it?" They invite more than yes-or-no questions do.
2. Play it back. Say what you heard in your own words: "So the problem isn't the deadline, it's that nobody told you about it?" If you've got it wrong, they'll correct you, and that's useful too.
3. Leave a gap. When they stop, wait a second or two before you reply. People often add the important part when there's a little space.

Aman and Priya

Priya, Aman's project partner, says, "I don't think I can finish my part by Friday." Aman's first thought is "But we agreed on Friday!" Instead he asks, "What's getting in the way?"

It turns out her internship interview has moved to Wednesday. Now they're solving the real problem. They swap two tasks, and the project is still done on Friday.

Show you're listening

Face them, put your phone away, and nod or say "okay" and "right" now and then. On a call these small replies matter more, because they can't see you.

When someone is upset

Don't rush to solve it. Ask, "Do you want ideas, or do you just need to vent?" It saves a lot of misunderstandings, especially with friends and family.

Try it

In your next real conversation, use one play-back line ("So what you're saying is...") and one open question. Notice whether the other person tells you more than usual.

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Next: Communication Part 4: Messages that get replies